Someone asked me the other day, "how do you and James keep it all together?" I had to laugh out loud! Although, a super sweet and, much appreciated compliment, we clearly DO NOT have it all together!

James and I met in Jr High School, many moons ago! He was a quiet, shy boy....Braces on his teeth, and always sporting a satin silver Raiders jacket to school! We had mutual friends.....

I knew him in high school, but we always hung out with totally different crowds! It wasn't until my junior and senior year that the "quiet" boy from Jr high school came out of his shell, and was very handsome.... Not to mention charming as heck but, my very prude personality was NOT going for his "lines...." We would often pass in the halls, and he'd say, "hey, when are we going to go out?"..... I'd smile and say "NEVER!'...

Sober grad night was In June of 1995, and it was everyones last chance to see each other before parting ways.... College for some, jobs or moving away... A sad night but, a proud moment for all as we had reached the end of our high school career! I was determined to make a wonderful night of it! I saw James and he asked me to dance... I politely obliged, and we had a BALL!!!! He took me into the "Casino" and won me a tiny, yellow, plastic ball! I have to say I was a little taken back by his quick witt and charm..

A few months after graduation we had been chatting on the phone for a few months... We often ran into each other at parties etc.... There was something about this boy that had me interested. After, much talking he asked me on a date, and I said YES!

He picked me up in his shiny BURGUNDY truck.. Now, mind you there were a very select few "Boyfriends" that my parents liked. My Mom loved him instantly! As I got in his truck, I noticed a very large sticker on the ceiling that read:

"Show me your tits!' Oh, good gracious, what the hell did I get myself into? Not to mention, he had a sticker on the back windshield that said "Blow me.." Sweet Jesus! James had quite the "reputation" with the ladies but, I put that aside to see myself.... Since his license plate read "ABL2PLZ" I was curious..

James says, "oh hey my sunglasses are in your visor, can you grab them for me?".... As I flipped my visor down a red rose fell in my lap... SCORE! I was casual with my smile, and said "wow, thank you..." What a sly fucker!

We went miniature golfing in Modesto.... the date was full of laughs and, for once I could be myself in front of a guy and it felt amazing! The one thing that drew me to James was his amazing smile, and his ability to make me laugh! As soon as I returned home, I called my best friend Stephanie to dish the dirt! I specifically told her, "I am going to marry him...."

Months passed by and we both dated other people... We remained friends and spoke often... He paged me all the time (as I did him), we had our own little codes... He gave me butterflies! It was a very flirty friendship for sure! We confided in each other about our girlfriend/boyfriend each had at the time, and finally after about a year and a half of that, we both knew we weren't happy, and wanted to be together... So, we broke it off with our others and that night we went out! Again, I knew, he WAS the one!

We dated for 2 years and were engaged on Valentines Day of 1999, also buying our first home.......

James and I have been married for 10 years this past May. 10 YEARS..... That's a long time.... We have been through A LOT! More then I will disclose through my blog.... I will say, things have not been easy! A marriage comes with sacrifice, patience, love, communication and, constant care! It's like a flower, you either water it or it DIES! You have to work at it everyday and, each person needs are different. As women, we want to be told how pretty we look... How amazing we are... What a great job we do at taking care of the home and kids, and for some of you, how much we are appreciated for working a full/part time job. This is a 2 way street! Men want and need to hear these things too. Sometimes, you have to drop your insecure wall down to pay these compliments, but in the end it makes for a much better relationship.... I also believe it is so important to spend quality time together with your spouse. Your marriage should come FIRST! That may irritate a few of you, and my "followers" may stop following me for this one..... But, it is true! If you and your spouse cannot make it work, then what kind of example are we setting for our children? They look to us for happiness and security and, if you don't have that in your marriage, they WILL feel it! It is they who will suffer if we cannot display a healthy environment...

I have been down that shitty road... We BOTH have, and it is normal to ask yourself, "did I make the right choice in who I married?".... I will say that I have always "loved" James, but until recently, I never knew what it felt to be "in love..." That is a whole different level. When you have kids, life gets complicated and it is easy to get caught up in schedules, deadlines, cleaning the house, folding the laundry and making sure everyone is taken care of... At the end of the day when you crawl in bed with your spouse, are those the things that make you happy? Or do you want to reach over and tell that person how much you love them? It's ALWAYS a choice, life that is, and it is up to us each day how we are going to live it. It is also up to us to sometimes let go, let your guard down and start re building something that may have crumbled, if YOU believe in it enough and, are willing to put the work in to do it~ nobody said that this thing called marriage would be easy... It isn't a fairy tale... It is a constant up keep and only in your hands to repair.. YOU have to make an effort everyday to let that person know, "you are so special and are truly appreciated" even when you are in a bitchy mood!

James, there is nobody else I'd wish to take this ride on..... I have learned so many life lessons, good and bad..... You always make me laugh, and I know how much work you have put forth to be sure your family comes first! Neither of us have been perfect, and I don't even wish to be associated with that word.... Many people thought this would NOT last. Look how we have proven them wrong. It has taken a lot of work and time to heal wounds, talk about everything and move forward. You are my best friend, and I am glad that after all these years we still have things to talk about! If you can't be friends, then what do you have left? i love you more then ever. Thank you for inspiring me to be the person I am today, and allowing me to always be myself... For those people who live in their glass houses, karma is such a bitch! The stones they have thrown I have collected in my pocket, and one day I will return them to their front porch. We may not have it "all together" but from the inside looking out, I think we are pretty damn amazing..

Take the time today to tell your spouse how much you love them, and how much you appreciate everything they do... Who know, you may get lucky tonight! (Wink wink!)

You'll never have it "all together" but it's nice to know people think so...

Until next time~

Angels Among Us

My Logan will be 3 years old this Saturday October 2... I have broken down in tears twice in the last week thinking of this milestone. Not that Jayce isn't an awesome, amazing, out going, funny kid, who I ADORE, but Logan to me is an angel who was sent after much sadness.....

I lost my first pregnancy after only being married over a year.... Nobody ever told me these things could happen! Obviously I wasn't educated very well.... I remember going to the ER and they told me I was having a miscarriage.... Huh? What the hell did that mean? They told me to go home and "wait it out", at this point still having NO CLUE what was about to happen.. I remember waiting in line at the pharmacy for pain meds, when an enormous amount of pain came over my body... I distinctly remember gripping onto the rails in the hallway and telling James, "we need to go home NOW!" I even remember telling him to run the stop sign on the way home!

Nobody told me that having a miscarriage is like going through labor. Apparently some people have little to no pain, but for me, it was intense and very emotional. Young, at 23 I had no idea what was going on.... James held my hand through it all, as I cried... The ER didn't want to schedule a DNC for me because I was young, and had never had a baby and it can damage your scar tissue... At that point at home, I wished someone had knocked me out and just took away the pain, and the emotional damage.

Miscarriage is like a secret society, which annoys me to the core! It is very "hush hush" and, "don't talk about it" type of thing..... That is bull shit! I felt so alone, with nobody to talk to. My Mom had lost a baby at full term (which is horrific in it's own) so, I felt like my situation was minor compared to that... None of my friends had children yet, so they had no idea what to say or do..... Let me tell you that when you lose a baby the world can be a very lonely place to be in. I don't care what anyone says, when you lose a life that is growing inside, it doesn't matter how far along you are! It hurts your heart, and is difficult to deal with, it IS a loss! PERIOD!

I got pregnant with Jayce after a few months... Of course, I was a nervous wreck my first trimester! I remember that James bought me a "3" for my charm bracelet the day I reached 12 weeks.. We were so happy to be out of the red zone... He was born healthy and 2 weeks early on July 14, 2002, my Mom's Birthday! What a good gift huh?!! I was in labor for about 12 hours with an audience that took up my entire L and D room! All my family and friends were there to support... I was so doped up I don't remember much of anything! In fact, I signed for an epidural and can't even remember! Ya know, they teach a little about about giving birth in health class but, boy oh boy they sure leave out a lot of things that women NEED to know! Nobody tells you that your vagina will burn like a mother fucker, and feels like jalapeno juice was just poured on your ass!

As the years passed us by, and our Jayce grew, we decided he needed a sibling.. Also in the meantime we decided to sell our first house, build a home, and get something bigger! We sold our house the first few weeks of it being on the market and put a deposit down on a lot..... So, when we had a 30 day escrow with our buyer, we would basically be homeless! This is when we moved in with the in laws for 4 months! Now, when you want to make a sibling for your child and live with your in laws, things can get complicated! Not to mention, a GIANT , practically life size Jesus statue on a cross hanging over the bed! I was totally going to HELL!

By the time we moved into the new house I was pregnant... Maybe Jesus was good luck.?? We were thrilled! I started showing SO fast with this pregnancy, and I had heard after you are pregnant one time, your uterus knows what to do, and starts growing much quicker! I lost that baby at 11 weeks.... Just shy of 3 months. I was a mess! I wanted this baby so badly... This time, I was angry!! Why does this keep happening? It just wasn't fair, and not long after that, I lost another....

When I FINALLY got pregnant with Logan, I had a very negative attitude.... I figured this one would be taken away too.... I started "spotting" one afternoon and I just KNEW, this is it! Here we go again.... James took me to the ER, underwent some tests, including an ultrasound... The technician said she really couldn't see anything. I was sent back to my room, where later many nurses would come in and hand me literature on miscarriage.. I knew the drill! I didn't even look at those bitches when they told me I probably wouldn't carry this one to term....

WELL, this one was a fighter!!!!!!!!! This boy wasn't going anywhere! I gave birth to Logan James on October 2, 2007 at 1:25am! He was an entire month early! They whisked him off after I held him for a few minutes, and took him into the NICU.... I was only familiar with the NICU because my Nephew CJ was a preemie too, born at 32 weeks in 1996..

Logan didn't know how to suck, swallow or breathe at the same time. He would NOT eat from a bottle (shit head!).... He had a tube in his nose, and eventually after being in the NICU all day and into the night, we taught him how to eat! We were dedicated to getting our son HOME and, after turning blue a couple times, giving us a couple scares, and 10 days with his "guardian angels" in the NICU, he finally came home!

I think after this journey, this is why I am so emotional with his upcoming Birthday! I feel like we have been through so much to have gotten this precious boy here... He is just as special as his brother but, he truly is my angel... His angel brothers or sisters helped him be a fighter in order to make our family complete... There are no more babies for the Rocha family and that I am ok with... These boys have made a complete family out of us, and I know those other 3 angels watch over us everyday...

If you know someone who has had a miscarriage, be sure to reach out..... Even if they don't want to "talk" about it, it's always nice to know that someone cares.... You never know how that loneliness feels unless it's happened to you, and there are not many support groups out there to help those in need cope with their loss.

Kerry's Corner

All thanks to Rob, Susie, SMB, Amy, Krisiey and Alby I have decided that I will start blogging! I will save you all now by saying, I will not hold back here..... By this I mean you will get me, the real me... Funny, sad, crazy, mouthy etc etc! I like the F word, so if that is a problem, then you probably should not follow me, because I WILL use that word often... I figure this is a good WARNING so, leave now, or forever hold your peace..

My Sister Amy, and my cousin Susie, along with my cousins wife Krisiey ventured out this past weekend to do a 3 day 60 mile walk for the Susan G Komen Fund.... As they ventured out on day one they walked 23 miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a shit load of walking! Their intent of course was to do the entire walk! However, they decided as a team if they ALL wanted to quit, they would! NOW, before you judge these remarkable ladies, let me just tell you that they had already raised $10,000! That is truly amazing! Day 1 was rough on them all, not to mention RAIN! Susie ended up with a blister "the size of Canada" as she said, and ended up in the first aid tent.. Amy's calves felt like rocks, and poor Krisiey missed her babies:( They ended up officially retiring, and returned to Portland after a day in Seattle! That is where this bloggong issue came to mind!

As you know, I am avid facebooker! I am on there everyday and I find facebook a place where I can meet up with old classmates and, family I do not see often.... Also, to vent! Which I take part in often. My philosophy? You don't like it? Don't read it! OR, just block me! Really, I do not care either way!

So, as the girls returned to Portland, they met up with Alby (my cousin, Krisiey's hub), Rob (my Brother) and Stephen (My brothers BF)..... Stephen proceeded to make a smart ass status update on FB about how Kerry Goman Rocha should have a spot in the Turlock Journal called "Kerry's Corner...." Of course these fools were all together waiting for me to bite........ I did.

So, that leads you here....... I cannot promise that you will enjoy this or even follow but, I can promise you one thing, I will entertain you.