Angels Among Us

My Logan will be 3 years old this Saturday October 2... I have broken down in tears twice in the last week thinking of this milestone. Not that Jayce isn't an awesome, amazing, out going, funny kid, who I ADORE, but Logan to me is an angel who was sent after much sadness.....

I lost my first pregnancy after only being married over a year.... Nobody ever told me these things could happen! Obviously I wasn't educated very well.... I remember going to the ER and they told me I was having a miscarriage.... Huh? What the hell did that mean? They told me to go home and "wait it out", at this point still having NO CLUE what was about to happen.. I remember waiting in line at the pharmacy for pain meds, when an enormous amount of pain came over my body... I distinctly remember gripping onto the rails in the hallway and telling James, "we need to go home NOW!" I even remember telling him to run the stop sign on the way home!

Nobody told me that having a miscarriage is like going through labor. Apparently some people have little to no pain, but for me, it was intense and very emotional. Young, at 23 I had no idea what was going on.... James held my hand through it all, as I cried... The ER didn't want to schedule a DNC for me because I was young, and had never had a baby and it can damage your scar tissue... At that point at home, I wished someone had knocked me out and just took away the pain, and the emotional damage.

Miscarriage is like a secret society, which annoys me to the core! It is very "hush hush" and, "don't talk about it" type of thing..... That is bull shit! I felt so alone, with nobody to talk to. My Mom had lost a baby at full term (which is horrific in it's own) so, I felt like my situation was minor compared to that... None of my friends had children yet, so they had no idea what to say or do..... Let me tell you that when you lose a baby the world can be a very lonely place to be in. I don't care what anyone says, when you lose a life that is growing inside, it doesn't matter how far along you are! It hurts your heart, and is difficult to deal with, it IS a loss! PERIOD!

I got pregnant with Jayce after a few months... Of course, I was a nervous wreck my first trimester! I remember that James bought me a "3" for my charm bracelet the day I reached 12 weeks.. We were so happy to be out of the red zone... He was born healthy and 2 weeks early on July 14, 2002, my Mom's Birthday! What a good gift huh?!! I was in labor for about 12 hours with an audience that took up my entire L and D room! All my family and friends were there to support... I was so doped up I don't remember much of anything! In fact, I signed for an epidural and can't even remember! Ya know, they teach a little about about giving birth in health class but, boy oh boy they sure leave out a lot of things that women NEED to know! Nobody tells you that your vagina will burn like a mother fucker, and feels like jalapeno juice was just poured on your ass!

As the years passed us by, and our Jayce grew, we decided he needed a sibling.. Also in the meantime we decided to sell our first house, build a home, and get something bigger! We sold our house the first few weeks of it being on the market and put a deposit down on a lot..... So, when we had a 30 day escrow with our buyer, we would basically be homeless! This is when we moved in with the in laws for 4 months! Now, when you want to make a sibling for your child and live with your in laws, things can get complicated! Not to mention, a GIANT , practically life size Jesus statue on a cross hanging over the bed! I was totally going to HELL!

By the time we moved into the new house I was pregnant... Maybe Jesus was good luck.?? We were thrilled! I started showing SO fast with this pregnancy, and I had heard after you are pregnant one time, your uterus knows what to do, and starts growing much quicker! I lost that baby at 11 weeks.... Just shy of 3 months. I was a mess! I wanted this baby so badly... This time, I was angry!! Why does this keep happening? It just wasn't fair, and not long after that, I lost another....

When I FINALLY got pregnant with Logan, I had a very negative attitude.... I figured this one would be taken away too.... I started "spotting" one afternoon and I just KNEW, this is it! Here we go again.... James took me to the ER, underwent some tests, including an ultrasound... The technician said she really couldn't see anything. I was sent back to my room, where later many nurses would come in and hand me literature on miscarriage.. I knew the drill! I didn't even look at those bitches when they told me I probably wouldn't carry this one to term....

WELL, this one was a fighter!!!!!!!!! This boy wasn't going anywhere! I gave birth to Logan James on October 2, 2007 at 1:25am! He was an entire month early! They whisked him off after I held him for a few minutes, and took him into the NICU.... I was only familiar with the NICU because my Nephew CJ was a preemie too, born at 32 weeks in 1996..

Logan didn't know how to suck, swallow or breathe at the same time. He would NOT eat from a bottle (shit head!).... He had a tube in his nose, and eventually after being in the NICU all day and into the night, we taught him how to eat! We were dedicated to getting our son HOME and, after turning blue a couple times, giving us a couple scares, and 10 days with his "guardian angels" in the NICU, he finally came home!

I think after this journey, this is why I am so emotional with his upcoming Birthday! I feel like we have been through so much to have gotten this precious boy here... He is just as special as his brother but, he truly is my angel... His angel brothers or sisters helped him be a fighter in order to make our family complete... There are no more babies for the Rocha family and that I am ok with... These boys have made a complete family out of us, and I know those other 3 angels watch over us everyday...

If you know someone who has had a miscarriage, be sure to reach out..... Even if they don't want to "talk" about it, it's always nice to know that someone cares.... You never know how that loneliness feels unless it's happened to you, and there are not many support groups out there to help those in need cope with their loss.